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Home > Toddler Twins > Fighting the Fairness Trap
Toddler Twins:
Fighting the Fairness Trap
The other night while standing in front of my sons’ closet trying to choose their clothes for the next day of school, I reached for a collared polo shirt for one boy and then almost instinctively found myself searching for a similar collared polo shirt for the other. I wasn’t deliberately trying to dress them alike. To the contrary—throughout their young lives I’ve always dressed my twins differently. I never put them in matching sailor suits or color-coordinated winter coats no matter how cute they would have looked. 
This was something all together different. As I thought about my actions, I realize it had more to do with my concept of treating them both fairly. If I chose a handsome, tailored shirt for one, then I’d have to do the same for his co-twin otherwise wouldn’t I be favoring one boy to the other? If I didn’t choose a second polo shirt and instead opted for a faded t-shirt, wasn’t I saying somehow saying that I didn’t want him to look as good?
Obviously this line of thinking has no merit, but as the parent of twins I’m sure you can relate on some level. After all, when they were babies, didn’t you make sure they always had the same number of birthday presents? (I used to make sure the dollar amount was similar, too!) If you spent time reading with one, didn’t you feel compelled to then read with the other? It’s a natural reaction. But is it always the right one? Shouldn’t our attention and money be given on basis of need rather than equality? If we feel compelled to make everything even from food to hugs, isn’t that denying each child his own individuality? Shouldn’t we love and give uniquely rather than equally?
My boys are always pointing out what’s fair and what’s not. For instance, since they’re in separate classrooms, homework and the amount each receives differ greatly. One teacher piles it on, the other doesn’t. Often the son with the mean and wicked taskmaster will sit at his desk for more than an hour laboring to complete his work while the other skips through his assignments in less than 20 minutes. On more than one occasion, I’ve heard the poor, overworked boy protest, “It’s not fair!” as his brother smugly tucks his finished work into his backpack. Yet should I make the one who’s finished sit at the table and do “extra credit” or let him run off and play? Both scenarios would be unfair to one or the other.
I’ve known several parents who’ve placed their multiples in the same classroom simply because they don’t want to deal with these very issues. By having them both in the same class, they explain, it’s easy to be fair. Equal amounts of homework, always the same field trip, even birthday party invitations are balanced. One mom even told me she didn’t want to put her sons with different teachers for fear that one would learn something that the other wouldn’t.
By the mere fact that twins grow up parallel to each other, their lives are often scrutinized more closely—what’s different about the pair and what’s the same. Parents constantly analyze nearly every aspect of how they treat their multiples in relation to one another rather than how they treat as individuals. Yet in a family with two, non-twin siblings, issues of fairness don’t take on as much importance. The older sibling in this case may get an easy teacher while the younger sibling may get a mean and wicked taskmaster. She, too, will complain that her brother doesn’t get nearly as much as homework as she gets. What do you say to your daughter? Do you place a call to the school and complain? No. You teach your younger child that sometimes life isn’t fair but it usually all works out in the end.
And that’s exactly what I tell my twins all the time. I offer condolences and counsel when one feels that life has overlooked him and blessed his co-twin instead. They may not like to hear it, but it’s my hope that they’ll internalize this important life lesson and someday benefit from it. Maybe then when they’re adults they won’t be paralyzed with feelings of rejection and self-loathing if one is turned down for a job promotion while the other advances up the corporate ladder, or if one is scorned by a woman while the other has found the love of his live. It’s a precept that single-born children eventually accept. Parents need to help their multiples acknowledge it, too.
In the meantime, I’ve come up with a compromise for the son with the 20-minute assignments. No, he’s not allowed to run off and play. My house is small and his playing is too distracting to the son who’s trying to work. No, he doesn’t have to sit at the table and look busy either. In my house, homework has a designated time and if you finish sooner rather than later, you may choose a quiet task like reading, doing a puzzle, drawing a picture or some other worthwhile project.
As far as their clothing issue, I’ve decided it’s time to let them dress themselves. They now choose their own shirts. Collared shirt or T-shirt with a logo, it’s all the same to me just as long as it’s clean.
—Christina Tinglof is creator and editor of Talk About Twins, and the author of five books including Double Duty: The Parents' Guide to Raising Twins, from Pregnancy through the School Years (2nd Edition) and Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples.
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Twins and Kindergarten Readiness
Multiple Multiples: What’s It Like Parenting Two Sets of Twins?
Double Talk: Do Your Twins Speak a Secret Language?
Calming a Twin Rivalry
Twins and Sports: Are Your Twins Fierce Competitors or Great Teammates?
When Twins Differ in Abilities
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